Autumnal Thoughts On A Summer Eclipse

Being a girl born on the first day of autumn, 

You’d think I would be used to seeing things change,

You’d think I would be used to summer sweetness fading & the days of darkness growing longer.

You’d think I could inherently see the melancholy beauty in the death of growing things,

But I am so worn down by the suddenness of life, 

As I feel layers of who I was flaking off like the bark of a madrona tree.

Uncovering new skin- painfully sensitive, soft, & vulnerable.

Transforming & rearranging into patterns I don’t recognize.

Each thought shifts like a drop of liquid mercury,

Metallic & mysterious,

Never clinging to outside elements, always running off & changing form.

Gradually gathering more of its evil kind-

Until it’s a colossal ball of unpredictable poison, consistently gaining momentum.

Finding myself stuck in its strange gravitational pull. 

Starving to death, 

Yet my stomach feels uncomfortably full on the toxins of tribulations that I can never completely digest.

Observing my own feelings & emotions move swiftly over the surface like water skippers.

Moving too fast-

Too fast to catch,

Genetically predisposed to forever be chasing something unattainable.

Never quite quick enough,

Never quite strong enough,

Never quite bold enough,

Never quite good enough.

None of this by choice,

Its just life’s cruel tricks of light, 

Always dancing in my line of sight.

I guess that is why I am so drawn to the unobstructed rays of the sun.

A light, pure & unfiltered–

Steady & constant.

Without the unexpected chill of the moon momentarily passing through–

Eclipsing the beams of those solar shimmers,

Planting a quick, lingering kiss on that fiery face,

As it leaves the starry eyed sun, alone, in the big blue sky, 

Without hesitation in its lunar goodbye.

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Transparent Walls of A Guarded Heart

Watching drips of disappointment build up one by one,

Like watching the puddle of tears on the bathroom floor grow deeper & deeper.

Onset mindset,

Onset disconnect.

Suddenly, by a newfound default,

The inner-guards stand higher than ever before–

Turning a picket fence into the Berlin Wall.

So suddenly surrounded by instinctual shields,

Shields that are made of glass–

Transparent & sincere, but the inside is untouchable.

Rarely letting anything get close enough to enter the vast & lonely realm of visceral intuition.

A realm that is a special inward palace– crucial for serenity & sanity’s sake. 

Those crystalline barriers shining in the sunlight, 

Enticing people to come near, yet ultimately dividing & looming like towers,

Casting eerie shadows & daunting silhouettes in the moonlight.

Unwanted formations arise.

When those glassy castle doors open up, 

And are shot down or not well received,

The overprotected inner world, so full of idealism & purity, becomes deformed & misshapen from the inside out. 

Abruptly changing the blueprints of the foundation of placidity & peace. 

Leaving the landscape plain & devoid of the essence of its identity. 

Now, in its place, sits the irrational fear of waking up to being given the Heimlich Maneuver–

Choking to death on this apathy that creeps up your throat like a parasite.

How then does one face them self in the mirror when the only reflection is a now dried up ravine that used to be something as strong & alive as an ocean? 

All that stares back is a meaningless object whose original purpose has been abused & far-forgotten, 

Like an empty bath tub who’s drain was pulled so long ago that the only thing remaining is a molding puddle of water,

Or a table covered in inches of dust, with stale bread, half eaten, sitting bleakly on a cracked plate,

Or a perfectly placed bouquet of flowers, left browned & dead in their painted porcelain vase covered in cobwebs. 

A sight so unnerving, that you are overcome with waves of confusion when you try to understand it. 

An unfinished scene that leaves you feeling so uneasy & disturbed that weeks later it still flashes in your mind the second you flutter your heavy, puffy eyelids closed at the end of the day.

It sits there in the back of your mind, anchored like a tick in your scalp, 

Slowly feasting & sucking you dry,

Until it consumes you completely & leaves you groping for an ounce of relief. 

Contradictory Idiosyncrasies 

I run, 

To catch my breath.

I fall,

To fly.

I hurt,

To make joy meaningful.

I cry,

To feel laughter deeper.

I hide,

To face my fears.

I yell,

To remain silent.

I whisper,

To speak up.

I hush,

To have a voice.

I wake,

To dream.

I dream,

To feel awake.

I pause,

To start again.

I sleep,

To open my eyes.

I withdraw,

To connect.

I release,

To refill.

I guard,

To open up.

I learn,

To forget.

I forget,

To remember.

I dig,

To reach the surface.

I float,

To sink into the deep.

I wander,

To feel grounded.

I worry,

To be content.

I care,

To be carefree.

I hold,

To let go.

I tie,

To cut loose.

I feel,

To be numb.

I numb,

To feel.

I restrain,

To set free.

I jump,

To stand still.

I live,

To survive.

I survive,

To live.

I run,

To catch my breath.

I fall,

To fly.

Perspectives

Dust in the sunlight is the tranquil dance of a million fireflies,
From the perspective of a poet.

 
A crowded room is a lonely place,
From the perspective of a person who feels alone.

 
Superficial conversation is a lethal poison,
From the perspective of a deep thinker.

 
A small moment, that most don’t notice, is a meaningful memory,
From the perspective of an introvert.

 
Completing a simple task is like scaling a mountain,
From the perspective of the anxious minded.

 
A happy person is blatant mockery,
From the perspective of a depressed soul.

 
Sitting in silence is a dangerous pastime,
From the perspective of a person with ear-splitting thoughts.

 
A profound connection is a rare & special silver lining,
From the perspective of the hopeless.

 
Strong opinions are better kept hidden,
From the perspective of a people pleaser.

 
A withheld truth is a bitter betrayal,
From the perspective of the brutally honest.

 
Completely letting go is an impossible thing,
From the perspective of the fiercely loyal.

 
A willful sin means life or death,
From the perspective of those strong in faith.

 
Free will is a overwhelming confusion,
From the perspective of those with a righteous conscience.

 
A decision is a bloody war of emotions & logic,
From the perspective of an indecisive person.

 
Making a sacrifice is an easier load to carry,
From the perspective of those who are passive.

 
Taking a risk is like taking a bullet,
From the perspective of the hesitant.

 
Others’ feelings & actions are always justified,
From the perspective of the empathic.

 
And everything can be understood,
From the perspective of another man’s shoes.

I wrote this poem in a couple of hours. It was the kind of poem that suddenly comes to me, almost complete, and I can’t stop writing until I’ve finished getting it all down. There was no stopping the creative flow. When I was writing it, I could hear the words very clearly in my mind. I found myself saying each word out loud as I wrote it. So, I decided to do a recitation video of this poem because I wanted to channel the emotions more. Whenever I hear something read aloud, it makes it that much more personal & it resonates more deeply. I hope it has that effect on you. As always, thank you. Here is the video: 

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Chameleon Eyes

I love meeting the gaze of those ever-changing eyes,

They hold all the colors underneath the sun,

It’s like looking at the whole universe capsulized in two swirling orbs.

They are anchored so strongly in that caring stare,

I swear they peer straight into my soul.

Caught up & hypnotized, 

Time stops,

Suddenly you are all I see,

And that moment is all that matters.

In that instant, deeply raw & vulnerable, yet exuding such rare comfort & peace.

Those eyes–

So expressive and ornate,

They see the sense in my jumbled phrases when I try to convey what’s in my heart.

Like glass, they reflect the light like glistening prisms.

They say everything that needs to be said in a single glance. 

Please remember,

My eyes will always shine the truest blue for you.

Their contents spill over, right here before us,

When I see you, oh how my inner tides swell, 

Because my eyes contain oceans & your’s have the luring pull of the moon. 

Veil of Shadows

Sometimes out of the blue, 

I begin to feel a faint tremor in my mind.

It’s a sudden sensation that I can’t quite explain,

It’s like my train of thought has derailed from the coastline of consciousness.

My rosy view begins fading to black.

I am trapped in between,

Stuck in this almost purgatorial realm of emotions.

Aware, yet unaware–

Neither hot, nor cold.

The lucidity of my languid senses swings back & forth.

This disconcerting disconnection from reality comes on so fast.

I can feel it as it grows stronger by the second,

And I try to ward off this vivid mental switch, 

I begin to feel my mind gearing down,

Descending down into the despondent deep.

I want to cut away these unstable deceptions before it’s too late–

Before the tipping point.

It’s almost as if I’m observing myself from an outsiders perspective,

Like I’m stuck, screaming behind a glass wall,

Watching my own volcano erupting.

A faded illusion arises in my mind–

I try to push it out,

But this strange mirage creeps over my thoughts.

I disengage.

Unfamiliar visions appear in my head,

Images of a mysterious figurine, that teeters on a precipice. 

It sways one way & touches the soft ground,

Then sways right back & dangles over a cascading waterfall below.

The silhouette then walks a tightrope line along the edge,

And trips into the bubbling blue.

My heart drops, & I blink back into focus before the final fall–

For a moment, I am jolted out of that chilling nightmare,

I abruptly become aware of my surroundings, but I am still not present.

I come out of that terrible daydream, right back into this murky mindset-

It’s like my brain does not know how to process the pain,

I try to grasp it’s intricacies, but my mind plays it’s cruel tricks & begins to fathom my grief as a tainted euphoria,

And I become dizzy as I waver between the thin veil that separates my differing perceptions of restoration & desolation.

I look down at my hands & I do not recognize them as my own,

I am startled when I notice the salty streams running down my cheeks, 

Confused as to why or how these tears are falling from my eyes.

I guess there was meaning behind that vision of the faltering figure;

It was an enigmatic effigy of my heart breaking down.

A visual representation of my spirits falling,

A cushioned coping mechanism,

To warn me of another wave of this continuous heartache. 

To give me a sign,

And make it easier to brace for the impact of another rapid surge.

But nothing could have ever foreshadowed how intense these waves would become,

After the winds of a hurricane came to pass.

Nothing could have prepared me for the tsunami tides that pummel me back down,

The second I gain the strength to stand up again.

Hiding Our True Colors

We paint the roses red with the blood we have shed,

Just to symbolize the fact that we’ve bled.

We dye our eyes blue with the tears we have cried,

To swallow every last ounce of foolish pride.

We stain our hands black from the load that we carried,

To try & convince ourselves that hatchets should stay buried.

We ink our lips grey with the ashes of our happiness,

To spread the arid remains of our joy & purpose. 

We rouge our cheeks rosy,

To cover it all up, to hide that we’re empty, to pretend we’re not lonely.

We conceal emotions until our skin has browned,

To show the result of keeping our true feelings, hidden underground. 

We whiten out our minds with a porcelain glaze,

To put a shining veneer over this dark haze.

We color ourselves in; hung up, on display like gallery art.

We’re as still as statues & set in our ways, but all along we’re just starving our hearts.