Lost (An Old Poem & Self-Reflective Preface)

This is an old poem I wrote back in August. I just rediscovered it & decided to post it. I wrote it about feeling lost, unsure, & confused, but not knowing where to begin to overcome it because I didn’t think the guidance was there & I was too depressed to recognize the best guidance that was right under my nose. I soon learned that the answers & support were, are, & will always be there, but I didn’t get any better until I personally decided that I wanted to get better. So I accepted the help that people were trying to give, I put the effort into trying to understand myself without fear of who I’ll find inside or fear of reemerging who I was before, & I made myself look at & appreciate everything for what is really was without catastrophizing it, arguing it, or discrediting it. I really had to take the time to search for the answers in places I wouldn’t expect & dig deep to find out what it was that I was having a hard time with & what exactly I felt that I needed or was missing. It took a lot of self-reflection, openness, & willingness to heal…and I don’t think I’ll ever be completely “happy” with where I’m at. Then again, I don’t think anyone ever is, but life is not about becoming indifferent & thinking that once you are the way you are that you’ll never change. Nothing is permanent & we are always learning & growing. Every experience, whether good or bad, is an opportunity to broaden our knowledge & wisdom. Life is about accepting & acknowledging that in reality, our human existence is actually pretty miserable overall, but that feelings of happiness, hope, love, & kindness are just as real & important as pain, suffering, anger, or sadness. We can’t let the fear of life’s disappointments turn us into cold people, but we also can’t be naive & stick our heads in the ground. We have to balance the sun & the rain & realize that we can let ourselves be happy, humble, & kind without being fake. We don’t have to bring ourselves or others down or focus on the pain in order to keep our heads out of the clouds, punish ourselves, or protect ourselves or others. We have to let ourselves be happy despite the misfortunes & sad realities of life. And if we don’t do that, then we’re denying ourselves one of the simplest human pleasures. So if that’s the case…then, yeah; our life is bound to be more miserable than it has to be.
Okay, there’s what I’ve learned through all of the ups & downs in my life. Now, onto the poem:

Hollow log soaked with rain water,

Like a sponge in the kitchen sink.

Dishes clank and spook my mind out of its haze-

A sign that I am scared by the ordinary.

Fog settles in the bay,

Like steam on a mirror in the bathroom.

All evidence of clarity disappears like a rabbit in a magic hat.

Disturbed by an absence,

Lost in the presence,

Without direction home.

Like a migrating bird with no internal compass.

Flying into a northern freeze, unintentionally, while in search of the warmth of a southern current.

Then flying in circles, trapped in the Bermuda Triangle.

Looking for answers,

Waiting for the indication of guidance.

Living aimlessly & pointlessly in expectation of an explanation.

The last bits of contentment dissolve like grains of sugar in my chamomile tea.

The spoon clanks the mug,

And spooks me back to bleak reality-

Hollow like a rotting log

And unclear like my bathroom mirror.

Advertisements

Memories

Random thought: The profound-ness and enormity of memories that simple things can hold always leaves me amazed. That memory lasting a lifetime, but how fugacious those moments were. The memories still have such a lasting impact on a person. 

Conclusion: We are shaped forever by a compilation of memories about moments that, themselves only lasted a moment.

Oceans

 The undulations of the oceans mimic human nature.

Feelings. Up and down, up and down.

A pull in one direction and a push in another.

So many things thriving within the waters of our minds.

Some as small as plankton, some as immense as whales.

Some things on the surface, some down in the deep dark depths.

Simple Beauties

Simple beauties make me infinitely happy. Natural lighting, perfectly shaped leaves on a tree, imperfectly shaped eyebrows, the sound of  a G chord and a C chord together on a guitar, a child’s giggle, a baby’s smile, listening to someone talk about what they are passionate about, making eye contact with a stranger and getting a smile in response, the stars, rain drops on the window, getting a hug, bubbles floating in your coffee, a butterfly or bee buzzing from flower to flower. All things that make me pause and appreciate that small moment. Knowing that I have to try and take note of it, quickly, before it passes. To many, these may be simple everyday things, but to me they are the grand things of life. Those are the moments that makes life worth living.

Leaving Paradise

Move
mo·v [moo-v]

—Verb

1.  To go from one place of residence to another.

2. Stir or evoke strong feelings or emotions.

I sit on our deck, the mezzanine seats of the phenomenal and inconstant play that is the ocean. This will be one of the last nights I will view this, experience this, feel this, smell this, hear this, or taste this. The last night I will be at the place I’ve called home for a biennial. I sit cross-legged and I stare at the sea. As I gaze, my eyes go out of focus as the occasional tears trickle out of them. The rays of the moon that are glistening on the cresting waves, being viewed through little translucent beads falling from my eyes, suddenly begin to look like illuminated bedrock on the ocean floor. Sometimes they even resemble colossal whales glowing fluorescent blue under the ever-changing liquid hills. I know my body temperature is below what it should be and a part of me wants to go inside, but the desire to try and soak up the, over all, ambiance is stronger. I start to lightly shiver, but I am anchored in this position for the time being. The sound of the waves, the cool ocean air, the red ring around the moon, the clouds creeping through the endless expanse of sky, and the sparkling stars, all give me a refreshed feeling, like I am completely in touch with myself and in tune with nature; a feeling like I am renewed and can restart fresh. The feelings I felt and the setting in which I felt these emotions, can never be repeated. I will never be able to fully, verbally express everything about this last, late night excursion to the beach house deck. Everything was too grand, too perfect, too unique, too revitalizing and restoring to explain. But I can say this with full confidence, this experience will forever be one of my favorite memories of this house I’ve thrived in for 2 exceptional years.