This is an old poem I wrote back in August. I just rediscovered it & decided to post it. I wrote it about feeling lost, unsure, & confused, but not knowing where to begin to overcome it because I didn’t think the guidance was there & I was too depressed to recognize the best guidance that was right under my nose. I soon learned that the answers & support were, are, & will always be there, but I didn’t get any better until I personally decided that I wanted to get better. So I accepted the help that people were trying to give, I put the effort into trying to understand myself without fear of who I’ll find inside or fear of reemerging who I was before, & I made myself look at & appreciate everything for what is really was without catastrophizing it, arguing it, or discrediting it. I really had to take the time to search for the answers in places I wouldn’t expect & dig deep to find out what it was that I was having a hard time with & what exactly I felt that I needed or was missing. It took a lot of self-reflection, openness, & willingness to heal…and I don’t think I’ll ever be completely “happy” with where I’m at. Then again, I don’t think anyone ever is, but life is not about becoming indifferent & thinking that once you are the way you are that you’ll never change. Nothing is permanent & we are always learning & growing. Every experience, whether good or bad, is an opportunity to broaden our knowledge & wisdom. Life is about accepting & acknowledging that in reality, our human existence is actually pretty miserable overall, but that feelings of happiness, hope, love, & kindness are just as real & important as pain, suffering, anger, or sadness. We can’t let the fear of life’s disappointments turn us into cold people, but we also can’t be naive & stick our heads in the ground. We have to balance the sun & the rain & realize that we can let ourselves be happy, humble, & kind without being fake. We don’t have to bring ourselves or others down or focus on the pain in order to keep our heads out of the clouds, punish ourselves, or protect ourselves or others. We have to let ourselves be happy despite the misfortunes & sad realities of life. And if we don’t do that, then we’re denying ourselves one of the simplest human pleasures. So if that’s the case…then, yeah; our life is bound to be more miserable than it has to be.
Okay, there’s what I’ve learned through all of the ups & downs in my life. Now, onto the poem:
Hollow log soaked with rain water,
Like a sponge in the kitchen sink.
Dishes clank and spook my mind out of its haze-
A sign that I am scared by the ordinary.
Fog settles in the bay,
Like steam on a mirror in the bathroom.
All evidence of clarity disappearing like a rabbit in a magic hat.
Disturbed by an absence,
Lost in the presence,
Without direction home.
Like a migrating bird with no internal compass.
Flying into a northern freeze, unintentionally, while in search of the warmth of a southern current.
Then flying in circles, trapped in the Bermuda Triangle.
Looking for answers,
Waiting for the indication of guidance.
Living aimlessly & pointlessly in expectation of an explanation.
The last bits of contentment dissolve like grains of sugar in my chamomile tea.
The spoon clanks the mug,
And spooks me back to bleak reality-
Hollow like a rotting log
And unclear like my bathroom mirror.