Autumnal Thoughts On A Summer Eclipse

Being a girl born on the first day of autumn, 

You’d think I would be used to seeing things change,

You’d think I would be used to summer sweetness fading & the days of darkness growing longer.

You’d think I could inherently see the melancholy beauty in the death of growing things,

But I am so worn down by the suddenness of life, 

As I feel layers of who I was flaking off like the bark of a madrona tree.

Uncovering new skin- painfully sensitive, soft, & vulnerable.

Transforming & rearranging into patterns I don’t recognize.

Each thought shifts like a drop of liquid mercury,

Metallic & mysterious,

Never clinging to outside elements, always running off & changing form.

Gradually gathering more of its evil kind-

Until it’s a colossal ball of unpredictable poison, consistently gaining momentum.

Finding myself stuck in its strange gravitational pull. 

Starving to death, 

Yet my stomach feels uncomfortably full on the toxins of tribulations that I can never completely digest.

Observing my own feelings & emotions move swiftly over the surface like water skippers.

Moving too fast-

Too fast to catch,

Genetically predisposed to forever be chasing something unattainable.

Never quite quick enough,

Never quite strong enough,

Never quite bold enough,

Never quite good enough.

None of this by choice,

Its just life’s cruel tricks of light, 

Always dancing in my line of sight.

I guess that is why I am so drawn to the unobstructed rays of the sun.

A light, pure & unfiltered–

Steady & constant.

Without the unexpected chill of the moon momentarily passing through–

Eclipsing the beams of those solar shimmers,

Planting a quick, lingering kiss on that fiery face,

As it leaves the starry eyed sun, alone, in the big blue sky, 

Without hesitation in its lunar goodbye.

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Transparent Walls of A Guarded Heart

Watching drips of disappointment build up one by one,

Like watching the puddle of tears on the bathroom floor grow deeper & deeper.

Onset mindset,

Onset disconnect.

Suddenly, by a newfound default,

The inner-guards stand higher than ever before–

Turning a picket fence into the Berlin Wall.

So suddenly surrounded by instinctual shields,

Shields that are made of glass–

Transparent & sincere, but the inside is untouchable.

Rarely letting anything get close enough to enter the vast & lonely realm of visceral intuition.

A realm that is a special inward palace– crucial for serenity & sanity’s sake. 

Those crystalline barriers shining in the sunlight, 

Enticing people to come near, yet ultimately dividing & looming like towers,

Casting eerie shadows & daunting silhouettes in the moonlight.

Unwanted formations arise.

When those glassy castle doors open up, 

And are shot down or not well received,

The overprotected inner world, so full of idealism & purity, becomes deformed & misshapen from the inside out. 

Abruptly changing the blueprints of the foundation of placidity & peace. 

Leaving the landscape plain & devoid of the essence of its identity. 

Now, in its place, sits the irrational fear of waking up to being given the Heimlich Maneuver–

Choking to death on this apathy that creeps up your throat like a parasite.

How then does one face them self in the mirror when the only reflection is a now dried up ravine that used to be something as strong & alive as an ocean? 

All that stares back is a meaningless object whose original purpose has been abused & far-forgotten, 

Like an empty bath tub who’s drain was pulled so long ago that the only thing remaining is a molding puddle of water,

Or a table covered in inches of dust, with stale bread, half eaten, sitting bleakly on a cracked plate,

Or a perfectly placed bouquet of flowers, left browned & dead in their painted porcelain vase covered in cobwebs. 

A sight so unnerving, that you are overcome with waves of confusion when you try to understand it. 

An unfinished scene that leaves you feeling so uneasy & disturbed that weeks later it still flashes in your mind the second you flutter your heavy, puffy eyelids closed at the end of the day.

It sits there in the back of your mind, anchored like a tick in your scalp, 

Slowly feasting & sucking you dry,

Until it consumes you completely & leaves you groping for an ounce of relief. 

Contradictory Idiosyncrasies 

I run, 

To catch my breath.

I fall,

To fly.

I hurt,

To make joy meaningful.

I cry,

To feel laughter deeper.

I hide,

To face my fears.

I yell,

To remain silent.

I whisper,

To speak up.

I hush,

To have a voice.

I wake,

To dream.

I dream,

To feel awake.

I pause,

To start again.

I sleep,

To open my eyes.

I withdraw,

To connect.

I release,

To refill.

I guard,

To open up.

I learn,

To forget.

I forget,

To remember.

I dig,

To reach the surface.

I float,

To sink into the deep.

I wander,

To feel grounded.

I worry,

To be content.

I care,

To be carefree.

I hold,

To let go.

I tie,

To cut loose.

I feel,

To be numb.

I numb,

To feel.

I restrain,

To set free.

I jump,

To stand still.

I live,

To survive.

I survive,

To live.

I run,

To catch my breath.

I fall,

To fly.