Sometimes out of the blue,
I begin to feel a faint tremor in my mind.
It’s a sudden sensation that I can’t quite explain,
It’s like my train of thought has derailed from the coastline of consciousness.
My rosy view begins fading to black.
I am trapped in between,
Stuck in this almost purgatorial realm of emotions.
Aware, yet unaware–
Neither hot, nor cold.
The lucidity of my languid senses swings back & forth.
This disconcerting disconnection from reality comes on so fast.
I can feel it as it grows stronger by the second,
And I try to ward off this vivid mental switch,
I begin to feel my mind gearing down,
Descending down into the despondent deep.
I want to cut away these unstable deceptions before it’s too late–
Before the tipping point.
It’s almost as if I’m observing myself from an outsiders perspective,
Like I’m stuck, screaming behind a glass wall,
Watching my own volcano erupting.
A faded illusion arises in my mind–
I try to push it out,
But this strange mirage creeps over my thoughts.
Unfamiliar visions appear in my head,
Images of a mysterious figurine, that teeters on a precipice.
It sways one way & touches the soft ground,
Then sways right back & dangles over a cascading waterfall below.
The silhouette then walks a tightrope line along the edge,
And trips into the bubbling blue.
My heart drops, & I blink back into focus before the final fall–
For a moment, I am jolted out of that chilling nightmare,
I abruptly become aware of my surroundings, but I am still not present.
I come out of that terrible daydream, right back into this murky mindset-
It’s like my brain does not know how to process the pain,
I try to grasp it’s intricacies, but my mind plays it’s cruel tricks & begins to fathom my grief as a tainted euphoria,
And I become dizzy as I waver between the thin veil that separates my differing perceptions of restoration & desolation.
I look down at my hands & I do not recognize them as my own,
I am startled when I notice the salty streams running down my cheeks,
Confused as to why or how these tears are falling from my eyes.
I guess there was meaning behind that vision of the faltering figure;
It was an enigmatic effigy of my heart breaking down.
A visual representation of my spirits falling,
A cushioned coping mechanism,
To warn me of another wave of this continuous heartache.
To give me a sign,
And make it easier to brace for the impact of another rapid surge.
But nothing could have ever foreshadowed how intense these waves would become,
After the winds of a hurricane came to pass.
Nothing could have prepared me for the tsunami tides that pummel me back down,
The second I gain the strength to stand up again.