Torn

I’m feeling lost on this open road for the first time in my life.

The journey used to fill the empty spaces of my heart, 

But travel won’t fill this newfound void–

A void that runs as deep as the canyons outside my passenger seat window.

Old memories replay in my mind,

And I’m hesitant to make new memories,

Worried that they’ll build up & bury the moments I don’t want to forget.

We wander so very far down this highway.

As time goes on,

I drift further & further away from those beautiful times of the past,

I drift further away from the meaningful connections that I didn’t want to break.

Drifting into the darkness once again.

I now daydream longingly as I watch the scenery outside my window rapidly changing.

Lately, my mind is always a step behind the present time.

The here & now passes me by so quickly,

And I cannot keep up.

With all these forks in the road,

My indecisiveness so often takes the reins.

Either path I choose I still feel unsettled,

And I can’t help but feel like I’m abandoning something that should have been–

It’s so hard to move on from a thing that feels so right.

With every decision I make,

With every sudden change of course,

I feel as though I gain a new part of me, yet I lose an even bigger part of me at the same time.

It’s a constant push & pull of my heartstrings.

I wish all the answers were clear.

At least I can find comfort in knowing that I tried my best,

And I will cherish every experience & bond I had the pleasure of developing.

But the feelings I felt & the people I met were so worth being vulnerable for,

And I despise the empty absence of the beautiful flurry of it all–

I so badly miss the things I left behind.

I guess I have to go through these tireless waves.

I must feel the ups & downs,

To fathom the good & the bad,

To process all these changes,

And to grasp the uncertainty of my life.