A Life to Live

I stepped over somebody’s handwritten words in the sand today.

So I didn’t disturb someone’s mark on the earth,

So I didn’t destroy their attempt to be remembered– to be heard.

I became upset & wondered, “Why doesn’t the rest of the world give the same respect to other people’s screams into the void?”

But I let the negative thought pass & I reminded myself that, today, for the first time in a long while,

I’m shining a little brighter,

Humming a little louder,

Feeling a little deeper,

Reflecting a little stronger,

Living a little lighter,

Reacting a little bigger,

Seeing a little clearer,

Hurting a little gentler,

Yet, feeling a little more tender,

And hoping my heart is a little softer.

Later, I laid in bed alone, in the dark.

I closed my eyes & listened to an old song,

Instantly, my favorite memories flashed in my head like flickering splices of a film reel.

I remembered the moments so vividly, both the good & the bad.

The moments I learned from, the moments that revealed the answers I sought.

The moments that shaped me, that left their mark on me.

I could feel the sun on my skin,

The wind in my hair,

The water on my toes,

The pain in my heart,

The smile on my face,

The tears in my eyes.

I could feel.

I could feel life again.

And I realized, I still have time to leave my mark.

I can still be heard.

I still have life to live.

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Inverting

My world inverts.

I watch my light turn to shadows.

I used to live in the brightness,

But the negative spaces have become tangible & physical.

They have engulfed my bright places,

And I feel the overwhelming absence of light.

I want to let the shadows dance in tandem with my soul,

So I can sit amongst their dark shades & understand what they’re trying to show me.

I want to rest in their inky umbra & discover the lessons I’ve overlooked for so long.

So I can savor the brighter days more than ever, because I felt the beautiful chill of darkness.

But the contrast sends my senses into shock.

The changes & shifts distort my whole being.

Yet, I worship the peace in between the two extremes,

Because that’s where the balance is,

That’s where the lesson is.

But again & again, the dark arrives & the sun sets too soon,

And I must learn to bask in the moon,

As its beams shower down on me- so cold and clean.

And the shadows whisper, “this is the depth you’ve been searching for.”

I dig down inside myself.

So far from the glowing veneer I veil myself with,

Down into the caverns of my negative spaces.

I am inverting.

Breakdowns & Breakthroughs

Life’s lessons come draped in sadness and fear.

They scream with subtle profoundness and profound subtlety.

The beauty that comes after pain is hard earned,

And it should be recognized as such.

Our existence is a plethora of ups and downs that must be felt in full,

But always remember that the waves come without notice.

Your highest high could soon shift to your lowest low.

Yet, your downfall could lead you to your greatest advances,

And the breakdown could bring forth the breakthrough you’ve been awaiting for eternity.

Meaning

I am the wind who makes the trees dance

The relief of a second chance.

I’m the dust in sunbeams,

The magic in dreams.

You can meet me in the water’s reflections & ripples,

Somewhere between a stranger’s smiling eyes & familiar dimples.

Lost in the happy hellos & painful goodbyes,

The glowing clouds in painted skies.

Hanging in the branches & golden leaves,

In your favorite sweater’s sleeves.

Caught in the river bends,

The laughter between friends.

I live in the pictures in your wallet,

The box of keepsakes in your closet.

You’ll find me in the new beginnings,

The goodnight kisses & sleepy good mornings.

I am floating on the pleases and thank you’s,

The silly phases you outgrew.

I’ll be hidden in a wedding song,

Tucked away in the places you felt you belonged.

I’ll be in the old notebook on the top shelf,

The ballet shoes from when you believed in yourself.

I’m mixed in the colors of your favorite paintings,

Clinging to the words of your favorite sayings.

Cradled in the cobwebs of your childhood home,

Cemented in the cracks in your first skipping stone.

You’ll feel me in your mother’s hug,

Cupping your hands around a warm mug.

I’m the sound of a doves coo,

The flavor of grandmas chicken soup.

I am the smell of fresh brewed coffee,

The heat of a campfire on your shivering body.

I am the breeze who makes the curtains dance,

The comfort in a lover’s glance.

I am love & hope, I am meaning.

I’m what keeps you living and dreaming.

There it goes, the passing moment,

Gone like a whirlwind.

In the blink of an eye, we are in another eddy of time.

We’re just walking the line.

The clock doesn’t stop for a second,

Do we ever really experience the present?

Or has it just been past and future all along?

Because life just flows like a river on and on, flowing ever-long.

Who really knows where the currents go,

When we’re always moving and can’t take it slow.

I feel like I’m just skimming through life, floating through every experience,

Never a force of action and completely void of any influence.

I just exist.

Yet, something inside tells me to resist.

Sometimes I want to implode and turn into a supernova, unconfined,

Leaving a black hole in my wake, only my push and pull left behind.

I want to live with purpose and meaning,

I want to keep loving and dreaming.

I love the way the sun feels on my skin,

But I want to feel that sun within.

My life isn’t a game to be played,

It’s full of passion and intention and I do not want my ripple to fade.

Shifting

I can’t explain it,

The sadness that comes with momentary bliss.

I panic at the thought of the happiness coming to an end,

Because it means that the tears are just around the bend.

The joy and pain both come on so heavy,

It’s a constant struggle, and I feel unsteady.

I’m just drifting through life,

I’m no longer an active force in how I survive.

Everything comes like a slap in the face, things just happen,

By the time I come to, it’s too late to take action.

Every experience just feels like an apparition,

And I hang like a puppet by the strings of permission.

Always waiting for someone to tell me I’m allowed,

I’m by no means bold or proud.

I don’t know how to just be myself,

Without knocking old insecurities off the shelf.

I find myself overwhelmed and scared at the worst times,

So much that I can’t find solace in my rhymes.

There’s never enough, but there’s always too much.

I’m a walking contradiction & I’m losing touch.

I’m dying of thirst, but at the same time I’m drowning.

I feel half-dead, but my heart is still pounding.

Memories begin to lose their meaning,

What happened to hoping and dreaming?

Now, I’m just afraid of what the future will bring,

Afraid I’ll be the songbird who dies, before ever gaining the courage to sing.

Maybe I’m just meant to be a puppet hanging from someone else’s strings,

So I’ll just wait to see which way the pendulum swings.

Aurora Envy

Sensory stargazer watching the northern lights with envy in her eyes,

The sky paints its atmospheric collisions with such grace & beauty.

Rippling curtains of electrically charged universal discord.

Catch a glance of the metaphysical possibilities,

Making reality seem diluted, bland, & weak.

The tangible isn’t as potent & hearty as the intangible.

Conceptual contemplation becomes her drug.

Perspectives, prospects, & possibilities paint perfectly pleasant pictures.

Close-minded tendencies, shallow judgements, and malicious motivations hurt her heart.

Embarking on a constant journey of deep reflection,

Noticing loopholes in the world’s thinking-

Noticing glaring gaps in her own train of thought.

Realizations & discoveries sit impatiently under her skin, like swelling slivers & burgeoning bruises.

Positive changes & new understandings lay beneath the earth’s jewel crested crust like ancient ruins & dinosaurs’ skeletons.

She just has to dig a little to draw out the meaning of things,

Like drawing the marrow out of a bone.

Turning the digging into an art.

An archeological astronomer, who digs down to reach old creations, yet looks up at the heavens towards new horizons.