Aurora Envy

Sensory stargazer watching the northern lights with envy in her eyes,

The sky paints its atmospheric collisions with such grace & beauty.

Rippling curtains of electrically charged universal discord.

Catch a glance of the metaphysical possibilities,

Making reality seem diluted, bland, & weak.

The tangible isn’t as potent & hearty as the intangible.

Conceptual contemplation becomes her drug.

Perspectives, prospects, & possibilities paint perfectly pleasant pictures.

Close-minded tendencies, shallow judgements, and malicious motivations hurt her heart.

Embarking on a constant journey of deep reflection,

Noticing loopholes in the world’s thinking-

Noticing glaring gaps in her own train of thought.

Realizations & discoveries sit impatiently under her skin, like swelling slivers & burgeoning bruises.

Positive changes & new understandings lay beneath the earth’s jewel crested crust like ancient ruins & dinosaurs’ skeletons.

She just has to dig a little to draw out the meaning of things,

Like drawing the marrow out of a bone.

Turning the digging into an art.

An archeological astronomer, who digs down to reach old creations, yet looks up at the heavens towards new horizons.


Intrinsic Worth

Okay….I’m not trying to be sappy (not that fear of being sappy has ever stopped me before)…but at this particular moment, I’m feeling very blessed & I’m going to take this opportunity to express that.
First of all, I’d like to dedicate this poem to my parents (featured on this poem’s theme photo) & my beautiful sister, Ava; all of whom taught me that you can’t get by in life acting like you’re too cool to care. Thank you for being wonderful examples of true empathy, love, respect, & kindness. Ava & I are so blessed to have you as our parents.
Second, I’d like to dedicate this poem to my extended family, my grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc., for being further examples of those same qualities…and for just being who you are. You all helped me grow & learn (and you’re helping me do so, *still*).
Third, I’d like to dedicate this poem to my darling, Jesse. Who has rekindled a fire & passion in me that was starting to dwindle. Thank you, sunshine.
And last (certainly not least), I’d like to dedicate this poem to the beautiful, loving Team Sawyer & all the other people who’ve supported me this whole time. Your encouragement, kindness, & friendship means the world to me. I could never ever thank you enough.
I love you all, to the moon & back.
Now, moving on to the poem:

People are mean,

Life is confusing,

And lately, I can’t tell if I’m losing myself or finding myself.

Constantly being hurt, misunderstood, & overlooked by disinterested misanthropists who are afraid of vulnerability,

Because everyone is too scared of the shallow judgements & stigmas that come with caring.

True bravery radiates from the ones who are strong enough to give a damn.

True maturity isn’t just checking off the silly list of expected responsibilities or social ranks.

It’s not just doing the usual things that people praise you for, to get recognition.

It’s not just doing things for outward appearance.

It’s doing the little things that make you a stronger, kinder person,

The things that only the important people notice.

It’s choosing to boldly be yourself, while also staying humble,

And knowing how to love yourself,

Not feel sorry for yourself.

It’s disposing of self pity & stubbornness,

And never pigeon-holing yourself into one way of thinking or living for the rest of your life.

It’s taking hold of every opportunity that comes your way,

It’s learning to accept that you may not agree with something that someone else does.

And knowing that you have to respect other people’s decisions, instead of trying to convince them otherwise.

It’s being understanding when someone reaches out to you.

It’s being intuitive enough to pick up on people’s feelings & know when they really aren’t “fine”.

It’s not belittling people for being tender-hearted & sensitive, & learning how to be sensitive yourself.

It’s knowing when to say thank you & I’m sorry,

Knowing when to say I love you.

It’s learning how to make people comfortable & going out of your way to do that.

It’s walking into a cold, stale room, & knowing how to make it softer & warmer.

It’s seeing someone crying on a public bench & being the one person in the world who stops to ask if they’re okay.

It’s seeing someone who loves you, crying right there in front of you & taking the higher road by choosing to be gentle in response.

It’s laying bear your soul to the ones who matter,

It’s being altruistic enough to accept changes & want to better yourself, not only for yourself, but for others,

It’s knowing that sometimes you have to journey deep within your own mind to face your biggest fears & solve your worst problems.

It’s learning to forgive & forget, but also knowing when to walk away from toxic situations.

It’s taking the time to be genuinely interested in others’ passions & concerns.

It’s learning how to be uplifting & upbuilding instead of making fun of someone for just being who they are,

It’s knowing how to embrace diversity, instead of avoiding or judging things because their different.

It’s going a step further to encourage someone’s unique vocations & characteristics even when they are hard to relate to.

It’s learning how to try to make everybody feel like a somebody.

It’s learning how to break the controlling, constricting ties of unrealistic expectations,

It’s learning how to respect yourself, but never bring others down in doing so.

It’s learning how to love freely.

It’s learning how to release yourself from the fear of being judged.

It’s learning how to tread ever onwards with purpose & good intentions.

It’s learning how to care.

It’s learning how to let go.

It’s learning to be real,

Learning to be human.

It’s learning to live, not just survive.

It’s living to learn.

Lost (An Old Poem & Self-Reflective Preface)

This is an old poem I wrote back in August. I just rediscovered it & decided to post it. I wrote it about feeling lost, unsure, & confused, but not knowing where to begin to overcome it because I didn’t think the guidance was there & I was too depressed to recognize the best guidance that was right under my nose. I soon learned that the answers & support were, are, & will always be there, but I didn’t get any better until I personally decided that I wanted to get better. So I accepted the help that people were trying to give, I put the effort into trying to understand myself without fear of who I’ll find inside or fear of reemerging who I was before, & I made myself look at & appreciate everything for what is really was without catastrophizing it, arguing it, or discrediting it. I really had to take the time to search for the answers in places I wouldn’t expect & dig deep to find out what it was that I was having a hard time with & what exactly I felt that I needed or was missing. It took a lot of self-reflection, openness, & willingness to heal…and I don’t think I’ll ever be completely “happy” with where I’m at. Then again, I don’t think anyone ever is, but life is not about becoming indifferent & thinking that once you are the way you are that you’ll never change. Nothing is permanent & we are always learning & growing. Every experience, whether good or bad, is an opportunity to broaden our knowledge & wisdom. Life is about accepting & acknowledging that in reality, our human existence is actually pretty miserable overall, but that feelings of happiness, hope, love, & kindness are just as real & important as pain, suffering, anger, or sadness. We can’t let the fear of life’s disappointments turn us into cold people, but we also can’t be naive & stick our heads in the ground. We have to balance the sun & the rain & realize that we can let ourselves be happy, humble, & kind without being fake. We don’t have to bring ourselves or others down or focus on the pain in order to keep our heads out of the clouds, punish ourselves, or protect ourselves or others. We have to let ourselves be happy despite the misfortunes & sad realities of life. And if we don’t do that, then we’re denying ourselves one of the simplest human pleasures. So if that’s the case…then, yeah; our life is bound to be more miserable than it has to be.
Okay, there’s what I’ve learned through all of the ups & downs in my life. Now, onto the poem:

Hollow log soaked with rain water,

Like a sponge in the kitchen sink.

Dishes clank and spook my mind out of its haze-

A sign that I am scared by the ordinary.

Fog settles in the bay,

Like steam on a mirror in the bathroom.

All evidence of clarity disappears like a rabbit in a magic hat.

Disturbed by an absence,

Lost in the presence,

Without direction home.

Like a migrating bird with no internal compass.

Flying into a northern freeze, unintentionally, while in search of the warmth of a southern current.

Then flying in circles, trapped in the Bermuda Triangle.

Looking for answers,

Waiting for the indication of guidance.

Living aimlessly & pointlessly in expectation of an explanation.

The last bits of contentment dissolve like grains of sugar in my chamomile tea.

The spoon clanks the mug,

And spooks me back to bleak reality-

Hollow like a rotting log

And unclear like my bathroom mirror.

Repair A Tear

Repairing a tear in an old super-8 film,

Blowing the dust off,

And letting the reel run for the first time in decades.

The only nuance is a scratchy gap in between scenes.

It just adds more flicks of character & texture on the big screen.

Overlaying an ambient soundtrack to the vintage footage,

To overlap the old & new in cinematic harmony,

Close the void,

Like jumping the rift in time,

All for the sake of making art out of the rips & wrinkles.

Softening the split edges,

And filling in the cracks of a broken vase with liquid gold.

Looking through the telescope into the future,

Horizons perceivable,

Horizons attainable.

Yet, a long & winding road leads to each milestone.

Lava boils at the borders of the path,

But wildflowers line the drop offs & cushion the harboring heat.

Good comes out of the bad,

And bad is bound to come out of the good.

Life is just a rough mix of igneous & metamorphic stones,

Sedimentary situations develop.

They develop like camera film,

Back in the times where instant gratification wasn’t so much of a problem.

You shot your shots and hoped for the best,

Back when patience & perseverance prevailed,

Because you had to finish the whole reel before you could see the outcome of your efforts-

Before you could see your final masterpiece come to life right before your eyes.

Perfect Timing

Going to bed when the rooster crows,

Kind of like taking afternoon catnaps at the break of dawn & finally waking up at nightfall.

Backwards habits, inside out routines, upside down patterns.

But it’s alright,

The timing isn’t bad at all,

It’s actually picture perfect serendipity.

Visions of my life, morphing into the silhouette of a candle,

The candle is multidimensional & prismatic,

And it is burning on every single one of its infinite ends.

Flames flicker in their final fury,

As I lip my last lackluster lament,

Because I don’t want to focus on the pain.

I expose these frailties within me,

For the sake of having strength in the weakness,

For the sake of being real.

Nothing is wrong, as long as your motives are pure.

Nothing is too much or too little as long as you’re true.

You’re always justified if you’re passionate, respectful, & kind in your pursuing.

Change the gears of your mind,

Find the blessed balance of tuning in & tuning out.

Because everything can be meaningful, if you just alter your perspective.

There’s no break in the tide, just an ever-flowing wave,

Let yourself get swept away in the riptide of optimistic tendencies.

Love & happiness can enrapture & saturate your soul so completely,

That it hurts your chest when you breathe a little too deeply,

But it’s that breathe deep, feel the rain, kiss the sky, joy that makes us feel alive again-

That makes life feel like it’s worth the effort.

I just wish I could bottle up that happiness & make it last,

So that when I’m upset, I could pour myself a glass from the past,

And savor its sweet, sweet contrast.

While the magic potion that is positive emotion has the power to heal & revive,

It also has the power to blind.

But it’s alright,

Because the candle hasn’t burned this brightly in years.

And I’m tired of being petrified by my fears.


Burning from behind the walls of an Antarctic glacier,

Stranded, yelling for the aid of a distant, passing sailor.

Underwater cyclones circling ‘round & ‘round, 

Ears filled with strange noises like a heartbeat from an ultrasound.

Woeful waters of the inner-directed,

Inspiring the self-reflective.

An illusory ruminant,

Living off of sentiment,

But lately more saturnine than starry-eyed. 

Lost, without a compass, as impulsive as the tide. 

Misplaced sanguine,

Tuning out, when I should be tuning in.

It all blends together in contradiction,

Is this experience a recollection, an observation, or a premonition? 

Weighing the scales of what aspects of my mind are credible,

Because apparently being pragmatical is acceptable,

And you must put on the strait jacket of being completely objective,

In lieu of slipping into something a little more subjective.

The rest of the world screams to push down thoughts of pure emotion,

As I cry & hide my heart’s love potions, quietly holding onto devotion.

But every night I dream of the sunrise, 

The incandescent passion within that still underlies,

And the sleepy euphoria of being moonstruck in the astral A.M..

Then, I finally remember what it’s like to be me again.

I’m learning the value in being raw & forthwith,

Because life on earth is futile, so we might as well make a moment of it.